Wednesday, August 1

Depressed and empty and on the brink of homelessness

Cigarettes: 2
Weight: 7st 9
Prescribed drugs administered: 40mg diazepam, 65mg physeptone, 20mg seroxat, 2mg lorazepam, 5mg olanzapine
Colour of the day: does it really matter

Things getting worse, do I bring this on myself. People can be so cruel. Circumstances seem to rape my everyday life til' I despair of human nature.... But of course I must be the problem, the source of the blossom is ugly they say.. It must be me indirectly or otherwise MY actions which bring such desperation into my life.

I'm a sinking ship, a drowning rat... interesting to watch but who cares? who cares a dime? Someone put there hand out (a song I have been listening to recently) I thought about suicide when in the shower for the first time in years, each drop of water was like electric bolts of punishment. Standing in the rain, in my parents shower I couldn't think of anything but drowning. Dreams where I die. Dreams where I am dead. The last days have been pitiful, I try to sleep because when I sleep I am dead or at least in another state where nothing matters. Being awake means pills, medication and temptation to reach for the phone and acquire some real medication. Pray that always be not always

Poetry can't help me when I'm like this, neither can art nor sound. Music is void of redemption
Surviving is cruel. I beg for that accident that takes it out my hands.