Sunday, September 9

How to survive a potential break up...

Cigarettes: Too many owing to sore throat ( can't speak)
Weight: 8 stone 5
New Desired weight: 8 stone
Prescribed drugs administered:
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10:

Dear Diary, after a storm comes cleansing rain (apparently) ... and usually a rainbow but as you've guessed I'm still waiting.
As of late a domino effect of shitty events has left me feeling a little bruised, hard done by, light headed, nauseated, sickened, saddened, shocked, paralytic, and generally a little under the weather. Basically, I'm on the wrong side of the road, have missed the bus and don't remember seeing one. But being the modern women with copious amounts of inner poise etc. , one can't be seen to be left behind.

So I'm keeping fit, doing hours of yoga, drinking loads of water (to make up for tears cried) and running a mile a day ( sort of) and trying not to feel sorry for myself...

And so with the risk of impending doom so immanent, I have decided to incorporate all my mis-educations into...

How to survive a potential break-up
In 12 easy steps

Friends and Family. In most cases talking to your nearest and dearest is a great idea - but If your family are about as functional as a pound-stretcher tin opener you might also consider admitting to a murder you didn't commit - because that would be about as useful. The fact my family have decided to skip off to Cyprus also doesn't help.

Resist the urge to beg. This doesn’t mean don’t try to work things out. If there is a chance you can work things out, go for it. But don't clutch at straws, if your partner has made it clear that in their eyes, the relationship is over, it is.

Make a change in your life. Find a new way to spend your time. Join a gym, quit a gym, set fire to a gym, just get some fucking exercise.

Understand your mistakes but also realize that you are not a failure and are in fact generally better (more superior) than most. If you truly are without fault, try...

Starting your own religion, cult or secret organisation. Check your local law making authority if you are thinking about siging others up

Don’t beat yourself up. Beat up someone else instead. If you made mistakes, then yes, learn from them but dwelling on what might have been won’t help. I'm not condoning violence but If your going to beat someone up try a paedophile, gang leader or beggar.

Start Dating. Always wait til you are actually single. Although going on a break usually does mean the end, you may be surprised. You may also be lonely for the rest of your life so prepare to brush yourself of and try again. You won’t feel like it at first, but don’t stay away from other people purely because you don't want to be seen to be seen. Going out with other people can help the healing process...

Don’t fall prey to others. Don’t let people take advantage of you while you are vulnerable. If you do spend money, spend it on your self.

Take up a hobby. If you think a hobby will help you might also...

Let Jesus into your life (!!) (and the guy from across the street, the one who works in phones4u and any other religious nut who can promise you a brighter tomorrow)

Don’t rush into another relationship. While starting to date can help you feel better, it’s not a good idea to rush right into another relationship. Like me if you really think you just lost 'the one' take time to heal before accepting any dodgy invitations.

Avoid dwelling on it. I know it’s impossible not to think about it, but, if you find yourself doing so for an extended period of time, find a way to take your mind off of it. Like...

Self help books, they make for excellent reading and even better toilet paper, burn them all.

Or best of all...
Don't split up at all! , mutually attract one final time, elope and live happily ever after. Only this time don't be so god damn useless.

Phone a friend; If you don't have any, make one, or get out the phone book and get to work...

Realise it's their loss - BUT if they are unquestionably the only one for you, shoot yourself in the foot for letting them go you complete loser! They were probably the best thing to ever happen to you and you screwed up proper. pat yourself on the back you prat.

Finally if you are as confused as me ( see above) about the significance of this particular relationship, start a bloody diary, better still publish it on the web. Then everyone will know what complete idiot you are.

For now I think I will stick to my new diet and exercise routine, early mornings and late nights, red wine and Bridget Jones movies.
Who knows what the future may bring... maybe things aren't so bad. Completely unbearable but, not so bad atall.
Til next time...