Thursday, August 3

Its My Diary And I'll Cry If I Want To

Sneak! SNEAK! Boycott the real Freaks!

Before I react personally to the 3-pages of vulgarity, published in SNEAK! magazine on Tuesday: may I suggest anyone who has not already had the unpleasantly of reading the article refrains at all costs from reading it.To anyone who enjoys laughing at people suffering and anyone suffering themselves, from any sort of 'morbid-fascination' illness; SNEAK! magazine is for you! Buy it!

Partially amusing 'Little Britain' Vs 'SNEAK!' DISCLAIMER: (Sneak! Magazine is actually 'really fun, like' and aimed at teenage girls, with an average reading age of 6, even fellow socialite Vicky Pollard has been known to indulge, commenting "C' horse I like Streak! magazine loads but... yeah... but... yeah.... but NO -BECAUSE THEY DON'T EVEN GIVE YOU MONEY OR ANY-FIN" (She said)
They do give you money Vicky, just not enough and they want to to crucify you in return. Begging the question, why don't they rename the magazine FREAK! Screw the Big Brother coverage, just fill the magazine with '100% NOT true life stories' about trannies and murderers making sure we use the phrase "My vagina looked like chopped liver" in all of them.
Yes, this was one of the most vulgar journalistic sins the article was victim to.

Just picture it: Me and my mate Rosie prepare to enter Tesco (emergency cigarette time), bracing ourselves for a few misquotations, maybe a not so great photo. We stood. We waited. Time to move I thought. "Rosie?" I said, attempting to rouse some action. She woke up from her daze and looked at me with the sort of expression you might expect before you throw the first soil in over the coffin.

Rosie left me outside, where we had a final friendship-type-embrace before she entered the shop, her comforting grasp leaving my hand to be nibbled, gnawed and finally bitten in what became 'the mother of all nail bighting situations'. She skipped (as only Rosie could in such a situation!) over to the magazine stand and began to smile. Why is she smiling, I thought, maybe it's good, maybe I'm 'SNEAK! OF THE WEEK'... what a triumph over prejudice and public relations extravaganza that would be! Inner poise - I told you, it's the key to all problems in life! SHIT!, That's not even Rosie! that's not even a woman....

Things looked busy in there; maybe there would be a pseudo-Nazi type riot, war would break out and no one would ever find out what was in the article!! Mind you, WAR would reduce moral and there would probably be an influx of depressed teens eager for a the flesh of a freakish role model to laugh at.

"It's you!!!" a voice proclaimed, from behind. "What's me?" I thought (surely not the freakish role model from my irrational delusion) . It was Rosie, waving the front cover about as fast as you would a cheap wedding ring you wanted people to see but not actually evaluate the value of. Rosie explained, to my horror, and still waving the magazine around so that I could not read it that She didn't need to go to the magazine section as they had promoted Sneak! to the counter area due to what a 'small hand written sign' had called
'Local interest*Carlisle girl featured on cover'

Before we even looked at the cover together, Rosie playfully rolled up and disguised the magazine as a police baton in origami-style-fashion and playfully slapped my bum before suggesting a glass of STRONG Red wine and atleast 30mg of valium. I knew it was going to be B A D, as in Michael Jackson 'BAD'
We walked to Le Gal (our favourite socialite-but-very-french-and-friendly coffee place) But this was no time for coffee. There was tears, then anger, then anger, then valium and wine, and grr! - more tears and wine followed by a big fat BILL, brought to us by illegally skinny girl. Spot the oxymoron there!

We were in the same establishment just one day before after the EFNM (Emergency Friend in Need Meeting) was called. "I CHOPPED OF MY PENIS TO BE A GIRL" reads the title of the 3 page article.This is not my deflated ego taking over believe me; I have been slagged off since birth but this affected me so deeply. What I saw, what I read: could it be that the same tape recorded interview with 'that lovely girl Issy' had resulted in this. I feel as though I can't even emotionally respond at this time; I..... This is such a bad time, things were going so well.

It was hard, but the fact me and Rosie left Le Gal with our heads high and positive thoughts in our mind is a mini-triumph**.
**Mental note: write letter of thanks to inventor/inventories? of valium - I bet it was a woman or group effort. BTW, excellent offer on bottles of Red Wine in Le Gal at the mo...