Weight: 9 stone (honest)
Prescribed drugs administered: 40mg valium, Morphine sulphate 2.5mg, had panic-attack; not good, not good atall.
Colour of the day: Probably Black but as 'chesnut' is 'the new black' one feels feel confused.
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: Haven't been doing any yoga so body is less bruised than usual.
(More important than usual) Mental note: Appearing on interview show on ITV with Vanessa Feltz on Sept 1st- Must plan extensively for all possible outcomes and wardrobe miscalculations (owing to female condition). Also research spelling of her surname...So as not to offend in sort of 'Prince-Charles-to-a Gypsy' manner. Is live TV you see...
So hello, Hi, and goodafternoon Diary, things aren't great. Feel an over-riding sense of... Well, emptiness. I do hate it when I get like this ; as is very selfish considering Wars and terror alerts. Apparently you are only permitted essentials such as medication when traveling. I won't be the only one feeling disconnected then as millions of women try to use plane's windows as mirrors and biros to touch up eyeliner. Given that the only thing in my hand bag apart from receipts is a bottle of valium I think I would be OK on a plane. *wish I was in the sun* AS to the holiday, this year I think there's more chance of me marrying Michael Jackson. By the way, Michael Jackson apparently is moving to Scotland (very near me). I am a huge fan, seriously: I say that because people often think I am trying to be ironic or 'funny' when I proclaim my undying love for the golved one. I think the man's an inspiration. A god. (religious groups f*** off - it's a figure of speach)
Given the way I have been feeling , Friday night was p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c, demeaning and utterly shameful. Me and Rosie (best friend in the whole wide worldy:-) geared up for the 'mother' of all weekend 'walk-abouts' , hence we went to 'walkabout' in Carlisle City centre; perhaps the biggest mistake we made this week We were the only people there ( is often an advantage in Carlisle) But not this time
Things got so bad I went home but was awoken (artistically that is- I actually had my eyes closed when it happened)! I blinked and in a second, had an Idea for a song. (Have been writing and recording album in studio alot lately). I wrote the lyrics, puts some chords down and had a 10track demo complete with sound effect of TV being smashed as an intro; in only 1 hour! Thought best not to use own TV owing to Parent person and alleged father type figure. Hope they don't read this. I was up til 4am in the studio and the track, DISCONNECTED was finito! Well, the demo version was. I still felt crap, but now not only was I depressed but I had transferred by regressed, repressed, oppressed and stabbing sense of indecision (about life in general) into a Hard edged piece of pop glory. "destroy your mind and body and soul for seven seconds of pleasure, but the damage you've done is gonna last forever" See - even a drug reference. I have decided that my album needs to address certain world issues aswell as my own frustrations surrounding them and other individuals (names deleated)
Well enough about me...
Wanted to say thanks, to the people who have sent me such positive words, the difference it makes is impossible to word; I LOVE YOU ALL. (well not impossible then)
Some of the e-mails make/made me cry, I am so sensitive to approval and other people going through things I have been through; situations I survived.
Paul Russell, your e-mail inspired me, I'm so happy I have helped you get help from the doctor. I am always here for you; everyone who is in need or alone. Just write to me. I love you
Also received this, only one I had a chance to read
From (NAME REMOVED)
Just wanted you to know that people are behind you and wishing you well. Your site has changed so much and is amazing, VERY ARTY, looking forward to any updates you must have good people behind you but make sure you are safe. It's Simply because I hate seeing scum exploit people. Let me know and if not, best of luck. I'm thinking of you
I love you all, Angel