Thursday, September 20

The snake in The grass, The monster in the pool

Cigarettes: 5
Weight: 7st 12 (getting bony, can see more ribs than usual, this is a discipline you must applaud.
New desired weight: zero
Prescribed drugs administered: 40mg diazepam
Colour of the day: black and blue and thinking of you
How bad does it hurt on a scale of 1 to 10: hurts actually 7

The snake in the Grass
12.00pm: Yesterday was not an average day I suppose, even by my less mundane standards. Met a really alluring broad shouldered cockney in the Library (i KNOW) HOW WEIRD. Felt compelled to walk wherever he might be going until I realised he was doing the same....So things were pretty cool and I swam through the next couple of hours like a snake in shallow waters... I took a walk in the park, running my fingers through the long grass, I felt rather primal and acted accordingly. Anyways, crypticism aside.; the days blue skies turned on me. Things got fucked up.

The monster in the pool
3.30pm: It was 3.30 (but you knew that) and school was out, kids everywhere, parents outside the gate, chavs aligned like lambs to the slaughter. Sunken faces projected towards the ground. Before I knew what was happening I was hit (punched, beaten, struck, slapped, whipped ) Lets go with 'punched', across the face with arresting force by a complete stranger who's fist which lept out of the corner of my eye like a Salvidor Dali creation. Acting contrary to my earlier primal instincts I simply stood there in complete and utter shock as 'mother and child' in all directions looked at me with eyes of disgust. Eyes which said 'well, she just got punched, she must have done something bad... maybe she slept with my husband.. maybe that was my husband punching her... maybe she left her child in the back of the car in stifling heat and her partner was giving it what for' I was mortified but suitably stunned to not react to this random violence and after touching my face tentatively, as if to make sure I still existed; I walked on (THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD).
Ps. and no I didn't turn the other cheek, that's my good side.

To say that wasn't my average experience after a walk in the park is true... But to say there aren't a number of strange sad idiots with shit for brains living alongside me in this great city of Carlisle is not. Small town small minds
I generally find the rare moments of human ecstasy, human intimacy and unvarnished truth which I occasionally experience, currently out-weigh the harsher side of life.

Immediately my reaction was to book a train ticket to London for this Friday ( tomorrow) but I'm not sure whether it would be the most clever thing in the world to do. Or though the great sinful city, the bastard of all cities is greatly appealing, especially when you are the illegitimate of all runaways. I would love to be on the train this time tomorrow, leaning over some dick-prick of a business man, spending his money on my coffees, making faces at who ever he is with and borrowing his lap top to tell my dearest diary how big his shoulders are and how the trip to London is panning out. Can you get broad band on a train??

ps. no offence to business men. lovely.. nice work

Oh well I guess I will have to make a decision (AHGGGH) and talk further tomorrow